Angel wings adorn my door view
a silhouette stands,
he looks just like you.
Pressed for time so I blink my eyes,
too good to be true.
I remember the last time we spoke,
told me you’d be back in a few.
Hours turn to days, days turn to years.
Is my body too corrupt
to acknowledge pain and the friends it brings?
I’m real close with these tears
just a natural response to immerse this pain
back into my tear ducts, and there they will remain.
On the verge of falling,
and a breakdown is at stake.
Apologies turn to blaming you
for emotions you couldn’t fool.
I even run rivers through my carpet.
One memory relapses, cue the faucet
then I toss it
to the back of my mind.
I know I look a mess, I swear I’m trying.
Plus I’m hiding, from the episodes of crying.
Everything has a place, I know it’s coming soon.
Thinking if I avoid it, the heaviness will disappear, and my tears will follow suit.
Takes too much discomfort to face it.
hoping somebody would notice
I’ve spent years in my darkest places,
Losing my muse, my soul,
my spirit, my focus.
I’m not that strong
to take another
but I’m unsure how to deal with these things.
It’s only part of the process,
still, I hate the honesty it brings.
I’ll drag these growing pains onto my back,
wear them as wings
that lift me to the heavens
where we convene as kings.
I’ve missed your heart that would join me in this moment.
The vows we made before a God so forgiving,
for one, another chosen.
And it’s our only job to cherish one another while we have the time.
Before the transition of one, leaves another with a spirit less sublime.
I traveled back in time to find your heart,
assumed you left it there
and what I faced was a surprise in itself,
a man lay bare.
Said his heart had been taken,
and there went his fight.
The sight of it frightened me,
thinking I should follow suit.
I lay gasping for air.
Do I wanna go out sad?
I let them win, thinking they took all I had.
If I’ve learned anything in grief
it’s to understand that the spirit in me
remains at peace,
I could just as easily slip into a dark place, let this breathing cease.
Now my mind is a thief of good times gone to waste,
has me pondering peace.
Now that you’re gone, I reminisce
when your hands touched mine,
I could feel the scars you uncovered.
Broke myself trying to keep you upright
but you’d rather be glass and the mess it brings
and I would gather your small pieces night after night,
slip them into my silk pockets and hide the knives.
I’ve grown to forgive myself for the signs I ignored,
for the wisdom I was missing, but found as I get older.
To feel pain is a duty, I’m only hiding my tears as a cover
to avoid questions, to explain my circumstance to another.
I am humbled.
To witness your strength crumble.
You grew deeper and deeper into your mind
where the agony sparked episodes of rage, followed by the wailing and crying.
I know you were trying.
Dark skies and rain compliment my weeping.
Your shirts still hang in my loft.
I grasp them often, ponder which ones are worth keeping.
I feel you everywhere.
You visit me often?
Is my brain filling voids that my heart keeps open?
Your smell fills this room, so potent
in your absence.
You still have your things here.
Tried touching them and I was ushered off
I didn’t dare raise another arm, yet I miss it all:
your touch so tender, your quiet smile, your speech.
Made me realize you’re never too far gone, but just beyond my reach.
And when the lonely overtakes me,
I take deep breathes and feed affirmations.
Tell myself little lies like ‘you’re on vacation.’
Some days at noon, I walk into our bedroom
and see you on your knees.
Sometimes I wonder what you’re asking for,
if I’m ever included,
If I could’ve put a name to all of the things you alluded.
As I reminisce, you said it all
but those secrets I’ll be keeping.
I’ve learned to live among the horror
that hugs me when I’m sleeping.
His little feet kicks me
when he feels the woes I’m reaping.
I’ll fulfill my duty in motherhood
as where you lay is silent.
From your body, flowers bloom
and it’s only in me to see this beauty.
From dark times to brighter skies,
I know your love will be born again,
and I’ll be the one to raise it.
A little man from seeds of glory
and blood that runs for miles.
I’ll do it all to preserve that smile,
and to cherish him will be my duty.
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